Out of Time

Nothing to listen to.

Sweet quiet on the airwaves.

No sound, no beat, no base notes.

Emotions controlled by the music in life.

Unexplainable joy, sudden sadness.

Feelings changeable as the track in the playlist.

Short stanzas, stable and permanent.

A desperate, emotional, need to be heard.

Sounds odd, sounds selfish, sounds petty to write it.

Honesty, honesty is self conscious, self aware.

So maybe that is right, self worth, self actualisation.

In a minor key I look back over everything I have done, over two ages.

I have a joyous overtone, a ring, from E minor, to G, D in to G.

Insignificant though it might sound the distance I have travelled, the distance from little ball of original sin.

I was baptised, I was brought up Christian, joyful ceremonies in the modern church, joy without laughter.

An open respite, but I am not quite telling everything.

Onslaught of being young, developed in adolescence, then an empty feeling when I went back as an adult.

Though I remember feeling... something... now, empty, lazy, sleepy buildings with deep shadows in the curves of the wall, and where the whitewash meets the burnt clay ceiling tiles.

And now I don’t have that faith I used to suppose I had, I have fame, and that is my new belief.

I have been lying through song throughout my whole life.

In the silence of summer we all felt our own rhythms.

Understated but explicit, changing rhythms with hair switches.

As though I only listen to the first part and skip on to another record.

I don’t work, I don’t need, I don’t emote.

I am moving on, moving out, from low to high, because wouldn’t you be.

And I watch time passing, know what it means to spend time, and I feel the rise, every one followed by a fall, and that’s the end of my day, low, and that’s where I pause, thinking back through a shallow empty period of time, and the mess that I have made and how I will have to clear up in the morning.

And I dream on bodies that aren’t mine, thinking them glorious.

I didn’t dream it would be like this when I woke up.

Feral that works both ways, instinct that cuts both ways.

Given an idea of heaven, no, you’re not told what to expect, you’re just told how to get there, as if it is real, and everyone can work out what it is for them, our own dreams, not clouds and big guy in sandals, and the show of love I made back then, wasn’t that good enough for heaven, didn’t that feel right?

It did.

God was invented in a moment like this; and beatification doesn’t seem to add up here.

You could treat this as a minute of silence.

I am just alone with the moments in my memories, moments I cannot put words to, moments I should cherish, cherish.

I want to move on, but there is this pause, with some delicious chord progression, on a go slow.

In the long grass, in the sun, this insect came across me, long blue body, warm cold-blood, cool-fire light, ice hot-spring.

Sunspots, flares, and the lens glare inside my eye.

The tones are warm, rich yellow and taste of summer, the hours are long and I love these people I am with, and I want to play that game, anything to get to move to move closer to her and to talk to her, making eye contact across the rug, making me forget all the childhood, and all the adult to come, feeling more than forever.

But tomorrow, it feels a little empty, a shallow happiness, after the night, we tested it in the hottest conditions, and like bright from shade it just doesn’t seem right.

Like there is good will, but not much more.

Unpredictable, joy or sorrow, sun or storm.

That’s odd, but it is lucky.

And I can feel sunstroke coming on, and I need a glass of water, and sorry but I can’t think of anything except bed right now.

Leave as easy as that, all clinging to promise.

They took me to church, imposed belonging.

The child accepts, the adult questions.

That these events that happen in series, one after another, events which make up our adolescence, that period of time where we discover, discover ourselves in the company of others.

That’s why I question the confidence-trick of youth.

Maybe we all did it, maybe I’ve been used.

But I know I didn’t belong, any more than I belong here writing this.

Age understands, without words to explain.

The sadness of my role, the loneliness of creativity, selfishly guarding what I am doing, I want you to leave because I have work to do, I want the party to end, because I want to be alone to do the things, I don’t know what yet.

I am afraid of what  they’ll say, I want to use a pseudonym, I want to divorce one guy from another, one person from every one thing that I do, split, twenty lives, one for each partition, like partitions in the brain.

Muscle-grip strains on the pen, this paper, yellow, another world, or a more open world, eyes half closed, face set, everything my own.

Now the change, the release from the feeling which gripped me, the release at the end of this tune.

Frustrated with that, that I am on my own in a desert.

Surrounded, by socialites, surrounded, by a crowd in contradiction, the first butterflies of the year, the first bees.

I want to contemplate on the big numbers, luxuriate in the little things, the life that there is no chance of.

Contemplate on the universe, allow my mind to obsess about the reach of the light.

But I don’t want to feel alone in that universe, I am afraid to be alone.

So in some base loop, contemplating insanity, I am looking from the bridge to the amplifier, wearing old striped shirt, un-ironed, as yesterday.

I am a mess like you, you dirty pretty addictive persona, you remind me of some sin I must have been born with.

Repeating in agony, events, associations, associations, secrets meant for myself only.

Something I cannot deny I want.

I pretend for others that I have not needs, but I need this.

I am taking it at this moment, without regrets, they can come later, five, ten, fifteen years... twenty, it will catch up with me I am sure.

And in all this feeling is fleeting, proven so once again, and it leaves me, signal, sine-wave.

That peak we were searching for in the background!

I am the shape of these alpha waves, bring up, who knows what next, base note.

My brother said this was just A after A after A, emphasis makes them notes of joy.

Deep lows replaced so quickly by sky highs.

When I was young I didn’t know note from note, just as heaven from hell in church.

I would not trade the A for any other note, I would not trade the summer months for any other summer, would not trade the alone time for company, nor company for alone.

Chosen, chosen words, scripted wilderness explored in the subconscious.

And that, in the ring of success, faded, gone.

Left me in love, love only, who has come home again.

working on some things - Words and Images - as usual

Thanks Gary, made my day!

Post by Gary Summerfield.

Shocked

Just don't know what to make of the events of today. Monday 28th April 2014. Shocked. Given the nature of my writing, I might make some kind of response. I'll have to digest it first though, as I'm sure will everyone who works in schools in the UK.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Peilis

by Kit Masters

Giveaway ends April 02, 2014.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

Norfolk

http://www.wordle.net/gallery?username=Kit%20Masters

Wordle!

Peilis Kindle Giveaway 25th October - 29th October

"Peilis" will be free to Kindle users between Friday the 25th of October and Tuesday the 29th.
That's right, an awesome half term read!

You can of course get it now for only two pound!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Peilis-ebook/dp/B00E9WQY9G

Shortly after the giveaway Peilis will be available across a number of platforms, and available in paperback in December.

Please, leave a review!
For now an Apollo Butterfly!

Best

Peilis review - 5 Stars!

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/712484059

See the review at goodreads!
Thanks much  to Christina!

Rūta - available on smashwords

Very pleased to be able to offer Rūta on Smashwords, in many different eBook formats... and you can set the price!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/351595

Enjoy and leave a review!

Peilis Review - Tricia Lomax

"Peilis - A modern day version of 'Lord of the Flies', where kids rule.
The school trapped inside a cage becomes a fortress, a battleground, a playground for chasing boundaries which are never set.
The teachers appear detached and powerless bystanders, limp and insignificant, without purpose skirting the perimeter fence.
This is a story about growing up and moving on, leaving seeds of destruction and enlightenment planted everywhere, which can with time perennially sprout or lay dormant beneath the soil. A lesson in life and living, this shows how it is for all of us to be human."

Couldn't be more pleased with that, thanks Tricia!

Peilis

Finished writing Peilis today.
Working on the cover and blurb tomorrow.

Will be looking for advance readers now, so any interest let me know!

K

Getting towards the end of the third draft of "Peilis."
I am shaving a lot of the fat off.
Feels good.

I will soon be needing ARC reviewers, if you are interested in first galley then leave a comment, or get in touch in any way and let me know!

K

Rūta – Kit Masters

Free on kindle 03/31/2013 – 04/01/2013

You should read Rūta because it is like nothing you have read before.

Grab your copy here!

Jackson, I’m Sorry

I told myself at the time that our school just wasn’t right for you.

But neither was where you went.

I told myself at the time that I wasn’t the right person to deal with your problems.

But there was no one else for you.

I told myself at the time that you really didn’t want my help.

But you did, you just couldn’t say it right.

As your science teacher it was fine, but I couldn’t do that and be your tutor.

It was fine because in the class we had the boundaries, and you towed that line.

It was fine because I was strict with everyone, and not personal, you managed with that.

It was fine because science was practical, and you could do that type of thing.

It was fine because your enthusiasm helped you with the reading and writing too.

It was fine because we didn’t have a large class, and you could sit on your own, at the back.

But then they realised I was the only teacher at the school you had a positive relationship with.

And that you couldn’t manage with your tutor, you were getting out of hand.

So they moved you.

It didn’t work because the tutor’s relationship is a personal one.

It didn’t work because the activities were about discussion.

It didn’t work because you couldn’t empathise like other kids.

It didn’t work because you would show unwanted behaviours when you weren’t given attention.

It fell apart when you said no to me.

And I felt like I couldn’t have that in my classroom.

And I removed everyone from the classroom because you wouldn’t move.

And I couldn’t give an inch because everyone, including you, would take a mile.

And I could see that anger that other teachers had told me all about.

The anger that I know eats you, under your skin.

And then we moved you science class because, well, I could only do one of the roles.

And then the exclusions started.

And then the special treatment started.

And then the skiving started.

And then we lowered our expectations.

And I felt sick at the thought of dealing with you.

And then the anger started and you shouted at me, “I don’t want you near me.”

And then you avoided me every time you saw me.

And then I went to the head of year.

And I said “if we can’t handle him now, at eleven, how are we going to handle him at fifteen.”

And then we found you another place at another school.

And I was relieved.

I’m sorry because of my part in this.

I’m sorry because I really didn’t have the skills to help you.

I’m sorry because at the time you were too much.

I’m sorry because moving the problem on was the easy way out.

I’m sorry because I put my reputation for discipline before you.

I’m sorry because I didn’t find the time to help you.

I’m sorry because I was afraid to.

School

I write a lot about school on bad days.
Here it is on a good day.

Bookkus March Reviews

I think of England, Scotland and Ireland was written together with Rachelsarah Glasgow last year.
It is in the March review selection at Bookkus publishing.

Please go read and leave a comment, I can't wait to hear what you think of it and continue the project!
Go to the page here.

I was asked to write something for a book project about my hometown.
Here it is in full, please comment if you've anything to say on the matter!
Kind ones and thanks for stopping by, do check out the other pages!

Mrs Grumpy

I still think about this a lot.

It’s an event that happened to me which taught me to feel ashamed.

It is the memory I come back to whenever I feel I have done something wrong, that I have acted in an immoral way.

Shame is what you feel when you know you are in the wrong.

It is not what you feel when you are given a punishment, not because someone else looking at you thinks ill of you, but because when you look at yourself, you don’t like what you see.

Bretton is really well planned out, in a lot of ways.

It was award winning town planning when it was new.

And I was lucky to grow up there.

Just about every house has a wee field outside it, all the pavements are well away from the roads, there are big gardens, trees and bushes, and there are loads of woods.

Did you know that Bretton Woods, those woods that line the roads, and separate some of the housing estates were around when Henry the Eighth was king.

He made a book of all taxable areas in England, and there they are “Bretton Woods,” they’re that old.

It was a fine place to grow up.

When you’re a kid, your world gets steadily bigger every year.

At first all you see is your house and your garden.

Then you are allowed out on your own, maybe to a neighbours or just where they can see you, but not across the road.

Then maybe, with a certain friend you are allowed across the road, but make sure you are back in time for dinner.

Then “ok, you can go in those woods, but not the Westhawe woods.”

Then, “can I got to the centre with Jacob;” then town on the bus; then London for a gig with your brother; then Amsterdam for new year; then Barcelona on your own; then wherever you can afford.

So I couldn’t see, within my world when I was nine, in my world of Barnstock, Eyrescroft, Essendyke, Benland, why anyone would want to stick a “NO BALL GAMES” sign up on the field in front of Kevin’s house.

“What do they think this field is for?”

Well a lot of people seemed to think it was for parking their cars, girls seemed to think it was for daisy chains, but me and my mates, obviously, thought it was for football, and that wall, backing right on to the field, “that’s for playing spot against ain’t it.”

“That’s Mrs Grumpy’s wall,” Kevin said.

“Mrs Grumpy, why’s she called that?”

“Because she’s grumpy, of course, she’s got three of my balls that went over her fence.

“She’s just a mean old bat, she hates children, she’s the one that had the sign put up out here.”

Sure enough next time we were playing, over the ball goes.

Kevin, was all for climbing over, saying that she’d never give us it back, it was pointless to knock.

“You can’t just climb over, that’s not allowed, I’ll knock if you’re too scared to.”

I knocked on the front door and Kevin stayed away down the path, but where he could watch.

There was a huge amount of shouting from within, I couldn’t believe how much.

And then I could see her, through the kitchen window, she was shouting, hurling abuse at someone, throwing her arms around, she really was a grumpy.

I was starting to wish that I hadn’t knocked now.

After a minute or two, the shouting calming down a little, a man, grey, tall and thin, but friendly enough looking, opened the door.

I tried, in a stuttering and quiet voice, to explain that we’d accidently kicked our ball over.

He asked what colour it was, and then the lady burst past him.

She shouted at me:

“You can’t have your ball back, you shouldn’t play ball games on there, can’t you....”

Then she saw Kevin, “and you, you... I’ll bet you can’t read!

“But I’ve told you, you better just stay away, you little brat, you.”

She hurried back inside waving her arms around, her white fluffy dressing gown flailing behind her as she went.

Her husband, looking forlorn, slowly closed the door, nodding his head slightly as he did so.

Kevin and I burst into laughter, although we both knew this woman had frightened us more than a little; it was nervous laughter, fake laughter.

“Next time you can climb over, Kevin.”

We could hear more shouting through the brick walls of the house.

“I think that’s why she hates me so much.”

About twenty minutes later, the man, who we called Mr Grumpy of course, appeared in his back garden, raked the ball out of his bushes and lobbed it over, giving a very small, almost imperceptible wave as he did so.

“Old cow,” said Kevin.

I asked Jacob’s mum why she was like that.

“Does she hate kids?”

Jacob’s father talked occasionally with the old man, who we occasionally saw riding his bike from the back gate.

“No she’s just very old.

“She’s got Alzheimer’s disease, it means she’s very confused.

“It’s something that old people sometimes get, and for her it means she get’s very upset by loud noises.

“That’s why she doesn’t want people kicking the ball against their wall, and why she makes such a fuss when anyone knocks.

“It must be really distressing and upsetting for her husband, all she can do is to sit in that chair.”

I always tried to take a look in their window when I rode past after that.

Sure enough, she was always sitting in her arm chair, the big sliding doors to her garden behind her, looking out the window at you.

I thought, probably best I just try and leave them alone.

This is the memory that I think causes me to feel guilt; it is a senseless, aimless, indefinable guilt that I feel.

At least I think it is this memory.

It is a guilt that only comes on me when I am alone, or if it’s been quiet for a long time.

And it comes in with my breath, all I can hear is my breath, and it gets louder until it is the only sound I could possibly hear.

I know when I get this feeling that I can snap out of it at any moment, I know if someone calls me, or if the phone buzzes, or anything, that I will lose the feeling straight away, and I’ll manage whatever I am called to do, but I don’t want to snap out of it.

Each time it comes I want to indulge in it; I want to explore it, to find out more about it.

I want to pinpoint it, is it this memory that causes this guilt, or is it another thing I have done, maybe that I have repressed?

Maybe I have forgotten something worse than this, something which is too bad to remember, too horrific to recall.

When you are young you do really stupid things, and you really try to impress the most stupid, insignificant people.

We were hanging round with some slightly older boys, and they told us about knock-down-ginger, or knock and run, didn’t sound like much fun to me.

Mostly, I’ve found that the people who seem the most confident often are the least; the people who seem the most together when you first meet them often have the most messy lives; and that anyone who tries to make you feel bad, or feel small, probably has someone who treats them in that same way.

But still, because there was a little pack of us, and because they seemed to us so grown up to us, seemed like the games that older boys played, we played it too.

I don’t suppose it really bothered most adults, and anyway, we had always run away, so we never saw their reactions.

But I guess there must’ve been some excitement in it, running around, pretending to be scared, in being naughty.

It came to my turn, and I don’t know who suggested it, but it was obviously going to happen; Mrs Grumpy’s house.

I didn’t know whether I should do it, I didn’t know that I would.

Until I was there, standing in front of that textured glass and aluminium door, and gave it three sharp knocks.

We ran, and this time maybe I was scared.

I already knew that this was bad, I expected her to kick off, to shout and shout, to come out of the door and wave her fists around.

We couldn’t resist having a look after a minute or so.

We peaked around the corner.

Nothing, no dressing gown, no shouting, nothing.

As quiet as it had been before I had knocked.

The next couple of days I found out that Mrs Grumpy had died.

She’d died of a heart attack, during one of her panics.

I knew immediately why, and I knew that I had caused it.

I felt something worse than any shame I had been made to feel, I felt guilt, I felt irreparable guilt.

And nothing I could say to myself would rid me of that feeling.

She was old, yes, she didn’t have much of a life anyway, yes, she was a grumpy old cow, yes.

But I killed her.

I felt my breath rise and fall at night and I felt mortality weighing heavily on my chest.

I felt for the first time that one thing leads to another and that actions cannot be undone.

I rationalised it as an accident, but I knew ultimately I was responsible for it.

Kevin, Jacob and I talked about it a little afterwards.

We didn’t blame each other, and we all concluded that although it was probably that which caused her panic and then death it could have been something else, and that it would’ve happened sooner or later anyway.

I concluded, after those discussions, that it wasn’t murder, but it was manslaughter.

I knew I didn’t have to tell my parents about it, I didn’t have to have all my friends and teachers at school find out, but I knew that none of this mattered, that I knew, and that was bad enough.

I felt so stupid; I’d gone along with something, just so that other people thought I wasn’t scared, just to look good to some kids I didn’t really like.

No one else knew how I felt about it.

The next few months we started to see more and more of Mr Grumpy.

He spent afternoons in his garden now.

And he smiled at us as he rode his bike past.

As he grew up Jacob even got to know him, found out his real name.

And we rationalised that he must’ve been in some way relieved that his wife had died, that an ordeal was over, and he could have a new lease of life.

But let’s face it, that’s just nonsense I told myself so that I could forget about it.

Some Short Writing and a Review

Thanks so much to the Book Geek for reviewing my book, she's done an amazing job in getting to the core themes in the book.
And finding this completely made my day.
Thanks to you and all bloggers who support authors in this way.
Read it here.

Also, for some brand new, american folk inspired short literature go to the Dylan Tales page, or here.
Leave a comment if you get time!

Kit